30 - Prepare For Stupidity! *UPDaTED* Breaking News

We Retards are descended from.... never mind.
Taught never to use our brains, never to surrender.
Taught that death by stupidity in service of retardkind is the greatest glory one can achieve in his life.

At the age of seven, as is customary, the boy is sent to primary school and plunged into a world of idiocy, manufactured by 9 years of retard society to create the dumbest morons the world has ever known.

The gang begins to circle the boys. Fists of steel, eyes as the dark night. Shouting...savouring the thought of the match to come.
It is not fear that grips them; only a retarded sense of things.
Warm air in their lungs, wind-swept palm trees against the coming morning.
Their hands are steady, their forms perfect.
They grab the ball, kick their balls, and run.

And so the boys, given up for dead, return to their people, their champions!
Our champions, the Original Platinums!
Now as then, a beast approaches, patient and confident, savouring the meal to come.
This beast is made of asswipes and faggots, nerds and non-rockers.
An army of H4xxorcists, vast beyond imagining.
Ready to devour our tiny clan.
Ready to snub out the world's one hope for retardity and spam.
A beast approaches, and it was J0HnA55 himself who provoked it.





RETAAAARDS! PREPARE!!! FOR!!! GLORY!!!!

A reaction to a promo (a parody anyway)by [J0HnA55]

UNITED STUPIDITY PRESENTS
"30"
Before you speak, h4xxor, know that in retardity, anyone, even a messenger, is held accountable for the words of his voice. Now, what message do you bring.
Messenger: Milk and munchies.
You came all the way from H4xx0rland for milk and munchies?
Soap Lord: Please be coy or stupid, h4xxor. You can be both in Retardity.
Messenger: All our king requires is a simple offering of milk and munchies.
You threaten our people, you insult us?
Messenger: What did I do?
Nothing. This is how the script goes. Got a complaint? Call J0HnA55 now.
Messenger: THIS IS MADNESS!!!

MADNESS?!?! THIIIS!!! IISSSS!!! REETAAAAAAARDDITY!!!!!!!

Messenger: AAAAARRRRRRGH!!! I'VE BEEN PWNED!!!!

Yeah. Ur A55 Be Pwn3d.

Messenger: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIIIIIIISSSSSS- (fell into bottomless toilet bowl)


....



RETAAAAAARDS!!! TONIGHT!!! WE DINE!!! AT HOME!!!!!!

[J0HnA55]: But we dine at home anyway.

Oh shaddup.

No retreat. No surrender. No brains. That is Retard Law.
And by Retard law, we will stand, and fight!
A new age has begun, the age of Conflict!
And we know all 30 Retards will give their last breath to defend it!

The world will know that retards stood against a H4xX0rcist.
That few stood against many.
And before this battle is over, that even a H4xX0rcist can go insane.

THIS IS WHERE WE HOLD THEM!!!
THIS IS WHERE WE FIGHT!!!
THIS IS WHERE THEY GO MAD!!!
REMEMBER THIS DAY, MEN, FOR IT WILL BE YOURS FOR ALL TIME!!!!

Dumbortz: WE ARE WITH YOU HALODUDE! FOR RETARDITY, FOR SPAM - TO THE DEATH!!!
Soap Lord: EARN YOUR TITLES, BOYS!!!!
Retards: AAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLL!!!!!!!
h4xxor captain: RETARDS!!! LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPONS!!!

H4XXors! COME AND GET THEM!!!!!

GIVE THEM NOTHING, BUT TAKE FROM THEM, THEIR SANITY!!!!!!

*The battle rages*

The h4xx0rcists are OWNED up, down, left, right, inside out.
Halodude barrel rolls and crushes hundreds.
J0HnA55 runs through their ranks with two energy swords.
J jumps around, dropping bombs everywhere
Dumbortz makes h4xxors laugh at his stupidity, dying from suffocation.
Soap Lord throws soap everywhere, blinding and tripping h4xxors.
Street2Fifa swears and swears. H4xxors are deafened.
J0N0 kicks balls at their balls. Ownage.
JJ calls in a Longsword airstrike.
Aulos hacks for our side. Their computers crash in the dozens.
MoneySeekr steals their money. Funds increase dramatically.
BabyKwa sits there, watching the carnage. H4xxors stop to stare, and are cut down.
Argo, Zul and Xie Hang drive around in a Warthog and splatter h4xxors.
Mahaesh and Skyrons sneak around, sneaking up on h4xxors.
Martin rushes people, grinning wildly and hacking them with a wooden sword.













(Wuz taken in China. One of the new guys. See why he's silver for one)
Synyster, Impressive and Death transform into DotA heroes to end their hacking spree.
Barrrry joins Alwyn.
The new guys fire from a safe distance.
Bugs- Wait, where is Bugs?!?!?

*A figure is seen creeping towards the H4xx0r Camp*

Bugs: My lord, I heard you could teach me how to spam.
H4xxor: Don't you know that already? I sense an ulterior motive.
Bugs: You know.Hehehe.
H4xxor: Well, I have heard of your reputation, Hunchdick Bugs.
I will provide all you need. The freshest plants will be sent daily from all corners of the empire. And unlike cruel Halodude, who exiled you, I require only that you kneel...

*At the battlefield*

Dumbortz: My lord!
Yes, what is it?
Dumbortz: The h4xxors have backdoored us! They're razing our camp!!
WHATT?!!?! BUT HOW!?!?
SoaP Lord: I found this message.

---------------------------------
Who's your daddy, Halodude? There
is no spoon at our camp, so we're
borrowing some as I can see dead
people. I'll warp ten of your
forks for souveniers. So, rise and
shine, retards, cause lights out
is gonna come real soon as we
start "Operation Cwal". Greed is
good, so show me the money or you
will fall in three days. LOLOLOLOL
----------------------------------

WTF!?!? A coded message! They're cheating!
J0HnA55: Some asswipe told them how. But who?!?!

*The shadow of Bugs is seen on a nearby hill*

We have been betrayed.
TO ARMS!!!
WE WILL STAND TILL THE END!!!
RETARDS, PREPARE FOR STUPIDITY!!!!!!!!!

*As the armies meet each other on TWO fronts, the battle shows no sign of stopping*
*No one can tell what will happen next... And the H4xx0rcist is still unknown*

[Halodude4eva]








Part 2

he story so far...

The h4xx0r empire declares war on retardkind, and send their army to invade.
Halodude leads the defenders, 30 retards, and pushes them back.
They beat the shit out of the H4Xx0rs like OMGWTFBBQH4XX0R times.
However, Bugs the Hunchdick betrayed them and went to the H4xx0rcist for plants.
The h4xx0rcist is none other than Lord Megadeath, who wants revenge for exile.
Now, he has the Gears of War and the Pick of Destiny.
Will the retards or h4xxors win?

(Btw this is a parody of 300 for y'all who keep askin "WtF is this?!?!")
(Also this is in 3rd person, not from Halodude's point of view)

MegaDeath and Bugs stand on the top of the hill, surveying the carnage.
He calls a truce, and Halodude and J0HnA55 go to meet him.

MegaDeath: Join me. I will make you warlord of all Earth! Your armies will march across the land, carrying my banner. All you need to do is kneel.

Halodude: Kneel? Uh, kneeling is waaaaay too painful for me. You see, uh, there's just too much pressure on my legs. LOLOLOLOLOL

MegaDeath: There will be no stupidity in your sacrifice. Your asylums and mental hospitals will be RAZED! The memory of stupidity will be erased from history, and speaking the name of Halodude will be punishable by DEATH! Our water guns will rain water like rain!!!

Halodude: Then...we shall bring our umbrellas.

RETAAAAAAAAAARDS!!!UNDER YOUR UMBRELLAS!! ELLA!! ELLA!! EH!! EH!!

MegaDeath: Dammit. My clothes are gettin wet. I'm outta here. This place is tapped.


The rain ends and the next wave comes.


Our eyes do witness to the grotesque spectacle brought forth from the furthest corner of the H4xx0r empire. A Sasquatch approaches, roaring its defiance at all who stand in its way. "Hey, wassup!? Let's take a dip in the stawbewwy wiver!!" It approaches, snarling, rubber tube stuck to its ass, strawberry juice dripping from it
J0HnA55 sticks a plasma grenade to his tushy.

J0HnA55: Shake your tushy! It'll fall off!

The sasquatch shakes its tushy and it blows up. Strawberry flavored gore sprays everywhere. Some mushrooms sprout instantly from the spot where it died. Dumbortz eyes them carefully. "Munchies!!" He eats one. Hmmm...Juicy.

As the sasquatch falls, a new threat appears. The Gears of War, each wielding a rifle with a chainsaw approach the retard lines. Their leader, Fenix, steps forward to bargain with the retards.

Fenix: Drop your weapons, nice and slow, or I will saw you from hole to hole...

SoaP L0Rd: No waaay. We're not gonna do that.

Fenix: I'm going to farkin KILL you! I will cut out your eyes AND your balls!!!!! Then I will stick your balls in your eyeholes, and eyes in your ballsacks!!!!!!!!!!!

Dumbortz: Dude, I think we could totally outgun him.

S0Ap L0Rd: Yeah, totally.

The retards pick up the newly arrived SPNKR Rocket Launchers, and blow the shit outta the Gears of War. THEY ARE NO MATCH FOR HALO!!! WAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!LOLOLOLOL!!!

When muscle failed, they turned to their H4xx0ring. They sit behind their 360s and aim to beat us at Halo 3. Time and again, they get thrashed, J dancing around with his SMGs, Dumbortz running loose with a shotgun and Halodude splattering all. In the end, they hack the server, causing spawnkills for the retards.

J leaps in the air with a penknife. The h4xX0rs throw their controllers at him, missing as they explode in midair. (told those guys not to charge unrechargeables) He lands, slicing the wires open and causing a power shortage in the camp. LOLOLOL.

The skies darken. It is night. The retards rejoice, elated by their victory. They run around, screaming and whacking each other. A huge banquet is set: Bob Marley Extra Crispies, Chicken, Steaks, and Chicken Fried Steaks. Suddenly, silence falls as a mass of people approach from the battlefield...

They have served the dark will of H4xx0rcists for 243 days, 17 hours, 53 minutes and 31 seconds. Thick glasses on their heads, toungues sticking out. Lifeless. The personal bodyguard to MegaDeath himself. The deadliest hacking force in all of Asia: the H4xx0rcists.

H4xx0rcists. We'll put their name to the test.

[unspeakable violence ensues]

Halodude: %&$##!!

Dumbortz: <@&^%??

Street2Fifa: @#&%*#@*%&#!!!! #&*@%^*#@&^!!!! #^&@%#^&^#%*@!!!! ^&#^&%^@*#^!!!! &*#^*^%@^!!!! #&@^&*^!!! *@^%#(*@^%*#^@%&&!!! &#*&^$#*@^&*^!!!! #^@%&^&*#@^$!!!!!!!!

h4XXORcists: #@^&*^@&#*$^@!!!!!!!!!!!

H4Xx0rc1sts. They have failed our king's test, and a man who fancies himself a H4xxoRcist feels a very retarded chill creep into his brain...

Meanwhile....

Bugs is sneaking around as usual, looking for plants.
Suddenly, he comes across the bottomless toilet bowl.
He decides to look inside to search for the missing messenger.
He bends over...and something slips from his pocket into the toilet bowl.
THE PICK OF DESTINY!!!!
OH SHIIIITE!!!!!!!

*HeaVy GuiTaR MuSIc*

A Huge |)3[\/]()|\| rises from the toilet bowl...

|)3[\/]()|\|: I AM COMPLEEETE!!!!!!!!!!

Bugs: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRK

|)3[\/]()|\|: Y35, '/0u 4R3 |=4R|<3D!
5h17 0u7tA /_ucK!!
N0w 1m C0Mpl3t3
4nD My -

Bugs: AAAAAAAARRRRRGHHEEEEEAAUUUUUULLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bugs has heard this somewhere before. He runs before the EviL H4Xx0R |)3[\/]()|\|...
The EviL H4Xx0R |)3[\/]()|\| giggles. It raids the H4Xx0r camp for munchies.
Hmmm...
Suddenly, the H4Xx0R demon slips and falls. It's...mask(?) falls out.
It's DUMBORTZ!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
Dumbortz: MMM...Munchies!!! *ChOMp cHOmP MUnCh CHeW SnArf BlaT FaRt cHEw mUNCh etc*

part 3: Teh Finale!
Defense Of The Retards!
Coming soon to a United Stupidity Blog near you.







On the 24th of February, the Retard Army invaded a nearby domain.
It was promptly surrendered by its owner, Shark.
The Stairway to Hell, as it is known, has been renamed "The Hot Stairs"
Resources are pouring in to the Retard Army, and they are ready for their stand.
The H4Xx0rs better act fast...

http://thesharkbites.blogspot.com/ (the full story)

By The Way, the final part will be in this same post so keep checking.